


shh, my common sense is tingling

by orphan_account



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F, deadpool!Clarke, fourth wall breaks as fuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-30
Updated: 2016-03-30
Packaged: 2018-05-30 04:20:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6408496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>sometimes, you just have to stab someone with a sword to really get your point across</p>
            </blockquote>





	shh, my common sense is tingling

**Author's Note:**

  * For [caelzorah](https://archiveofourown.org/users/caelzorah/gifts).



> this is for Lee, for that football squares thing she half won way back before everything

Hey guys, great to see you all again. It's been awhile since we've chatted, probably because I've been busy kicking ass and taking names. One name I'd especially like to take? Spider-Man's. Specifically, his last name.

_Oh, fuck, the way he moves in that suit-_

**Leave him alone, man** , white box thinks.

Yellow box hums absently to herself. _You could get papercuts running your fingers along that jawline, wonder if he's ever made anyone bleed with-_

**Focus. Maybe remember the guns?**

Oh, right. The guns. Good call, white box, good call. Clarke dives forward into a somersault as bullets tear up the patch of asphalt she'd just vacated. She lands on one knee between a pair of baddies with katanas in hand, giving them just long enough to look over at her in shock before she drives her blades through their chests.

_Just skewer them like a fucking kebab, yeah baby!_

**Two down, a billion more to go.**

_Ooo, was that one Benson?_

**I think so.**

_Sweet. She deserved that_.

So, you're probably wondering why I'm picking back up here, in the middle of a battle. Mainly because I can't keep my eyes off Spider-Man's ass, and I thought you all should know. He's up there on the bridge, doing his hero thing, and his magnificent glutes are wrapped up in spandex and-

**On your left.**

Thank you, white box. Clarke sweeps her leg out and hooks her foot around the guy's ankle, tugging hard and sending him sprawling.

_Wait, is that?_

**It is.**

_Asshole._

This fucker. Clarke draws her hand back and then drives it down, her katana spearing him straight through his side and anchoring him to the pavement.

_Right through the muffin-top._

**Well, he fucking deserves it _._ **

That he does. Clarke kneels down beside him, and he gives her a stupid smug grin that stays plastered on his face even when she twists the sword in his side.

"Any last words, JFlop?"

"This is hard for me too," he says, tugging weakly at the blade. "I'm sorry for not recognizing that I live in the real world."

_That's not even a fucking legitimate apology._

**Honestly.**

"This hurts me too."

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Clarke brings her second katana to his throat and grins at the stain of blood that comes at the contact. "You _shot_ her."

"I didn't mean to!"

"Just because the intention wasn't there doesn't mean the outcome doesn't hurt just as much."

"Well, if you think about it, this is your fault. Yours and hers. She wouldn't have been in that position without you."

"What do you-"

"You're the one who took her on a walk, it made it so easy for that bullet to catch her."

"I thought it was stray."

He shrugs. "She was gay, and bullets have gaydar. It's not that tough to figure out."

"Gosh fucking darn it!"

 **Leave it to the master manipulator to get herself used like that**.

"Be quiet for two seconds and let me _think_!"

 _With what brain, the one_ he _fucked up?_

 **We were already fucked up before him**.

 _We wouldn't be this fucked up if he just stopped killing off our love interests_.

"Shut up, shut up, shut _up_."

"-et --m go."

 _Wait, that wasn't me_.

 **Wasn't me, either**.

"Is he still here?" Clarke keeps her second blade at Jason's throat as she glances back over her shoulder. "Oh, yep, you're still here. And looking good, too. Do you work out? Does tossing baddies around all day count as working out? 'Cause you're fucking ripped, man." Jason tries to move from beneath her sword and she presses the point deeper into his neck, blood bubbling from the wound with every breath he takes. "Oh, no, don't tell me it's the suit! I know people say you can fake it 'til you make it, but man, not with abs. Come on, you should know that!"

Spider-Man gestures towards Jason again. "-et --m go."

"Wait, sorry, I've got something in my ear." She reaches through the hole torn in the side of her mask and digs around inside her ear canal, pulling out a bullet and staring at it for a moment before flicking it off to the side. "Did we know that happened?"

**No…**

_Nope_.

 **Probably because it took a chunk of brain with it**.

"Right. Cool. So, Spidey, what's up? Were you finally going to admit our intimate bond?"

"We're not even _friends_."

"You're right, we're more like lovers, right darling? Sweetheart? My paramour."

"Shut up, Deadpool." He takes a step forward to put his body between Clarke and Jason. "Let him go. Be the better person. Be a hero, for once in your life. Let him walk away from this."

"He's the reason I'm _not_ a hero. He's the one who made me like this."

"It's your actions that make you a hero. You let him leave, you're a hero. You understand me?"

"Baby, this ain't that type of story."

"It's _exactly_ that type of story." Clarke moves to sidestep him and he mirrors her motions, slathers her boots with webbing so she can't take a step forward. "You, asshole, go on, get the hell out of here before I change my mind."

"You're not going _anywhere_ ," Clarke spits. She raises her gun and fires.

The bullet curves towards Spider-Man. He catches it in a mass of webbing before reaching back to pull the katana from Jason's side. The man scrambles to his feet.

**What the _fuck_. **

_Throw your sword_.

**Throw it, throw it, throw it _._ **

_He's getting away!_

Jason leaps over the railing of the bridge and Spider-Man takes another step closer, resting his hand in the centre of Clarke's chest when she moves her sword to her ankles.

"Let him walk."

Clarke gives a sullen nod, only brightening when Spider-Man's hand stays resting on her sternum. "This is getting a bit intimate, isn't it? Care to move that hand down a bit?"

"Do you ever _stop_? Even for a second?"

"Only for you, honeybuns, only for you."

_I can see what's happening-_

**What?**

_But they don't have a clue-_

**Who?!**

_They'll fall in love and here's the bottom line, this trio's down to two-_

**Fuck off, she can't get rid of us, we're in her head. And her spinal cord, apparently. Because that plotline makes total sense.**

_Oh, yeah, right-_

"Hey, guys, trying to have a Heartfelt Moment (trademark pending) here," she mutters to the boxes, before sheathing her swords and resting her hand on top of the one that still lies flat on her suit. "Thanks for having my back, Webs. And my front. And my sides. For being all over me, really. You could do that any day, baby." Spider-Man cocks his fist back and Clarke watches in bemusement as it heads for her face. Knuckles meet her chin and she falls back onto the concrete with a grin. "Aw man, that's the dream, getting punched in the face by Spidey. Only thing better would be if you were Captain America. She can raw me any day. But I'm still going to treasure that bruise forever and ever."

"Take your mask off," he growls, looming over her.

"Oh, great choice with that change to your voice, all deep and raspy. You're really channeling Bruce Wayne over there. 'I am the Spider Man'. Not really quite the same effect if you're not head to toe in black, but it's a good effort. I give you an 8.5, maybe 9 out of 10."

"Take it off," he repeats, pressing a boot down in the middle of Clarke's chest.

 _Ooo, baby, I'd take_ everything _off for that voice_.

"I usually wait until we've at least had the appetizers, I'm not that easy."

"The mask comes off or I do it for you," and Clarke is sure she hears a break in his voice. Spider-Man's hand goes to his throat, and he peels a thin sheet of tech away from his neck.

"Wait, are you an android? Because I'm all up for you loading your floppy disk into my hard drive, but only as long as your malware scanner's up to date."

"Clarke, if it's you, take off the mask. Please."

_What._

**What**.

"What."

"Clarke, _please_."

"You first."

Spider-Man reaches up and pulls at the bottom of his mask, loosening it from his neck before he rolls it up off his face.

**That's neither a spider nor a man.**

_No shit, Sherlock_.

**In fact, that's very much-**

"Lexa," Clarke breathes, her eyes narrowing. "I feel like I'm missing something here, but that's pretty normal for me. I mean, right now I'm missing a lot of things. Half my brain, a couple fingers, part of my thigh. That jawline, though, I probably should have known, right? Razor thin."

"Clarke, take off your mask, please."

"You're not gonna like what you find, babe."

"I don't think I can get much more angry at you," she says, following it up with a wet laugh, "so we might as well get this over with. What is it, piercings? Inserts? You didn't have to leave, I'd love you no matter what."

"I did have to leave, because I thought you were _dead_."

"Oh. Right. Well, according to that asshole, I'm not a lesbian, I'm gay, and it's pretty much just the lesbians who get shot and killed, so? I somehow got these super fancy spider powers instead?"

**That doesn't make sense.**

_We're talking to ourselves, we don't really have room to comment on what does or doesn't make sense_.

**For once, you're right.**

"Uh, well… The ground's comfy and all, but you wanna help me up before I do this? I'd like to be able to run in the event you try to mercy-kill me."

"Right. Sorry." She moves her foot from Clarke's chest and holds a hand out. "Come on, now, up we go."

Lexa levers her up and she stumbles forward into her chest and rests her head on Lexa's shoulder for a moment. "Boobs are still good," she mumbles into the spandex, and Lexa laughs.

"Just wait until they're _out_ of the suit."

"You’re probably going to want to take a raincheck on that when you actually see my face," she comments, stepping back and reaching up to tug at her mask.

"I love you no matter what, Clarke."

She pauses with her hands at the velcro strip. "You've never said that before."

**Wait, she really hasn't.**

_This is big_.

**This is huge, don't fuck it up.**

"I love hearing it. And I- I love you too." She tears the mask from her head.

Lexa laughs.

Clarke grimaces. "That- that was unexpected."

_But not unwarranted._

"I just- You thought I'd leave you because of some scars?"

"More because my face looks like the pimple-spotted backside of some baldheaded asshole."

"It might take a bit to get used to looking at you again, babe, but I'm here for the long haul. I'm just probably going to need a couple of shots before I let you go down on me."

"Noted. Let's get to Raven's, then."

So, this is it. This is the end. I guess. But not for my relationship. Lexa and I are gonna fuck like bunnies tonight, gotta make up for lost time. And I'm not about to let you pervs in on that, so peace. Get the fuck out of here.

**Author's Note:**

> come visit me on tumblr at the same username to talk about this shit


End file.
